DBT, Love, and Interpersonal Effectiveness
Navigating the Ebb and Flow of Relationships
"When you love someone you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom."
Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea
Understanding the Ebb and Flow
Anne Morrow Lindbergh's words beautifully capture a fundamental truth about relationships: they are not static. Like the tides, all of our feelings, affections, pathos, connection, and even the love (whether as a feeling or as a committed existential stance) we experience for others will naturally ebb and flow. This can be challenging, especially when we crave stability and predictability in our relationships. And we have all been marinated in a left-hemisphere dominated and syllogistically/propositionally oriented culture, which relentlessly drowns our brains with the imagery of static and manicured perfection. But all of that is counterfeit. Discordant with the real, and yet these forces have convinced us to work against the real, against the natural rhythm of ebb and flow. Rather than yielding us the static and manicured love we crave, our obedience to the false leaves us frustrated, disappointed, and often mired in conflict with our beloveds.
In DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), we recognize that effectively navigating relationships requires flexibility, acceptance, and skillful action. Instead of demanding constant "flow," we learn to tolerate the "ebb" and understand that it doesn't signify the end, but rather a natural phase, which will be followed by return. As we learn core mindfulness skills and the cultivation of Wise Mind, we acquire a more natural agility of mind, emotions, and embodied love; We live into appreciation for the real, both ugly and beautiful, and as we learn Interpersonal Effectiveness skills, we can align ourselves with the ebb and flow.
Key DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills for Navigating the "Ebb"
When relationships enter an "ebb" phase, whether due to the necessity of work or travel, desire for solitude or privacy, or outright conflict, Interpersonal Effectiveness skills can help you maintain your relationships, meet your needs, and preserve your self-respect. Enter DEAR MAN GIVE FAST skills.
DEAR MAN (Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate): The DEAR MAN skills help you to become more effective in asking for what you want, on the one hand, or to better say "no," on the other hand, while maintaining your relationship. When you feel the "ebb" of disconnect, using DEAR MAN can help you communicate your needs clearly without damaging the relationship further.
For example, focusing on getting what you want, if you're feeling less connected to a friend and desire more connection, you reach out to that friend and Describe what you want: “Friend, I have been missing you. I’d like to see you soon. When can we meet up for coffee?” Express your sadness about missing your friend: “I really miss you and I’m sad that we haven’t talked in a while.” Assert your desire to reconnect without stammer or self-deprecation: “I would love to see you soon, and see your face.” Reinforce your friend, helping them to feel good about connecting. This can increase their motivation to meet up: “Friend, it would mean so much to me. I have much to tell you, and I’d love to hear what you’re doing these days.”
GIVE (Gentle, Interested, Validate, Easy Manner): This skill focuses on maintaining positive relationships. During an "ebb," it's crucial to be Gentle in your approach, meaning that gentleness tends to avoid triggering the other person’s fight, flight, or freeze, and can lead to defensiveness and even avoidance if you demand togetherness. Be sure to act Interested in the other person's perspective. Look at them with the light of your presence shining from your attentive face, nod the head, ask questions to learn more, all of which open exchanges of connecting threads between you. Validate the other person even if you don’t see eye to eye. Validation is taking the other person seriously and showing them respect: “OH, OK, I can see why you feel that way, how interesting.” or “I don’t see it that way, but I respect that you do.” Finally, using an Easy manner. As you schmooze and wheedle a bit, warmth and and ease contribute to a shared safety within which you and others can dialogue with one another and enjoy real conversation, even if you’re bidding for more time to together, or if your hearing why the other may be content with the ebb and flow as it is at present. This helps prevent bids to connect from escalating into demands and keeps lines of communication open.
FAST (Fair, (no) Apologies, Stick to Values, Truthful): FAST skills help you maintain self-respect in your relationships. In the face of an "ebb,” it's vital to be Fair to yourself and others as you disclose and receive thoughts and feelings on the matter, or don’t as the case may be—no personal attacks or blaming. Be sure to avoid Apologies (especially when not warranted) for wanting to see the other person, or for missing them—no need to apologize for your wants and needs. Know and Stick to your values without compromising them out of fear or to win approval from the other with whom you want to connect. There's no need to be aggressive about asserting your values, and there’s no need to give them up or change an opinion without having your own reasons. Finally, be Truthful. This ensures that while you navigate relationship challenges, you don't compromise your integrity. Don’t lie, exaggerate, or diminish others or yourself when reaching out to connect with others. This will hurt your self-respect and likely backfire.
Embracing Dynamic Fluidity and Growth
Lindbergh's quote emphasizes that "the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom." This means:
Accepting Change: Relationships will change. People will change. And certainly our feelings will change. These changes are fundamentally dialectical, connecting us with life’s dynamic fluidity. DBT encourages radical acceptance of these realities.
Prioritizing Growth: Instead of demanding things stay the same, focus on how you and your relationships can grow through different phases. The "ebb" can be an opportunity for deeper understanding and resilience.
Cultivating Freedom: True connection comes from a place of freedom, not rigid demands or expectations. This involves giving yourself and others the space to be authentic, even when navigating moments of distance or disagreement.
Discussion Points & Exercises:
Personal Reflection: Think about a relationship in which you have experienced an "ebb" phase. How did you react? What DBT skills could you have used (or did you use) to navigate it more effectively?
Challenging Assumptions: What assumptions do you tend to make about relationships undergoing an "ebb"? How can Lindbergh's quote challenge those assumptions?
Identifying Values: How can sticking to your values (FAST skill) help you navigate the "ebb and flow" without compromising yourself?
Practice in Action: Practice using DEAR MAN or GIVE skills to address a hypothetical "ebb" in a relationship.