In recent years, I have had the surprising and delightful honor of working with more men self-referring for therapy. They come seeking help to address their life-interfering habits and mental scripts, often within the context of romantic and marital relationships where these dynamics are laid bare under the light of intimacy.
As goes the world of love and marriage, and by extension parenting, these men seek help to figure themselves out and to become, as they put it, good men. Being deeply saturated in the principle-centered and skills-driven world of DBT, I invite these men to become philosophers. That is, to become lovers of wisdom. Lovers of wisdom are open to learning through therapy, coaching, or mentoring. Becoming lovers of wisdom, these men learn to soften their rigid ideas about themselves, their wives, and their children and how to embody love and deeper values within these relationships through new skills. They let go of isolating tendencies in favor of integrating practices, moving out of their self-encapsulated loneliness into the reciprocal integration within relationships. The daily practices grow out of their cultivation of a wise mind, a core DBT concept, which is a foundational and integrating point for cultivating wise living aimed toward building a life worth living.
DBT-informed Tips for a WTF Marriage
Although I hope to reach men with this message, anyone can practice the following tips for cultivating a WTF marriage following a few if-this, then-that practices. Before we review the W, the T, and the F of a WTF marriage, it’s in your best interest to ease yourself into a stance of willingness. Willingness is a stance toward life and reality that allows for experience and your full participation in events as they unfold rather than retreating into the know-it-all mindset or isolating defensiveness.
You can ease into willingness with a few slow, deep attention-gathering breaths, inhaling through the nostrils and exhaling through the mouth. This softens distress or rigidity and opens you to curiosity and receptivity to new skills and patterns as you enter the moment and your experiences rather than distancing yourself.
Entering into willingness, you ready yourself for flow with the movements of a WTF marriage, being with, to, and for your spouse or partner.
Being with, to, and for your spouse or partner involves a conscious, flexible involvement with your life, as it is, embedded within your relationships among those you love, in this case, your wife or partner.
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